The Fifth Marauder
by Capramagus
Summary: After they start dating, Lily's having trouble getting accepted by James's friends, and it's causing a rift in the gang. But Lily has a cunning plan that could make everything better... or worse.


"There go John and Yoko," Sirius said, narrowing his eyes at James and Lily as they left the common room arm in arm.

Remus looked from the pair of them to Sirius, then back to the book he was reading. "Bitter about getting snubbed by Therese?" he guessed.

"No," Sirius said defensively. "It's clear as day. James has got no time for us now." Beside him on the couch, Peter nodded thoughtfully.

"Eh, it's not that bad," Remus said. "Besides, we all know I'm John Lennon. Prongs is Paul."

Sirius laughed. "No way you're John. If anything you're Ringo."

"None of that or I'll make you Ringo," Remus said, playfully throwing a crumpled-up parchment at Sirius, who batted it away with his hand.

Peter caught the parchment and tossed it into the rubbish bin, saying, "I'm Ringo. Remus's obviously Paul."

"Obviously."

"And Sirius, you're George," Peter finished, counting on his fingers. "And James is John."

"I want to be John," Sirius said, frowning.

"But then the Yoko analogy doesn't work," Peter said.

"True," Sirius said thoughtfully.

* * *

"No way you're John. You're so George," Lily was saying as they walked across the grounds to the lake.

"I always thought Sirius was George," James said.

"No, Sirius is Ringo. And Remus is Paul."

"But that would mean Peter is John."

"You're right, that doesn't make sense," Lily said, frowning. "Maybe you aren't Beatles after all," she suggested. "I always thought you were more like the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You're War, Remus is Famine because he's so thin…"

"No, Remus is Pestilence," James pointed out.

Lily shook her head. "Peter is Pestilence."

"Oh yeah!" James smiled. "That totally makes more sense than you know. And Sirius is Death."

"I think he'd like that." They sat down under a big tree and watched the giant squid drift lazily across the lake.

* * *

"So what are we if there's just three of us?" Sirius said while they walked down the stairs to the Great Hall and lunch. "Musketeers maybe? I'm Athos…"

"No, I'm Athos. You're Aramis," Remus said.

"Oh yeah."

"What are Musketeers?" Peter said. "And whatever they are, I want to be Athos."

Remus laughed and said "Why, if you don't know what they are?"

"He must be the best if you both want to be him."

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances, and then they both turned to Peter and said in unison "You're Aramis."

"I guess that makes me Porthos," Sirius said. They were passing by a row of tall windows overlooking the grounds. He glanced out and saw James and Lily walking toward the lake. "Let's go outside, I have an idea," he said.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Is this going to be a repeat of the time you charmed Lily's toast to levitate just out of reach and led her around the great hall with it?"

"No."

"Or the time you slipped her a Babbling Beverage and she spent the next four hours in the hospital wing raving that the giant squid was Dumbledore in disguise, and that he came from the future to fulfil a prophecy?"

"No."

"Or the time you convinced Peter to transform and crawl into her satchel to chew up her Potions notes and make in her..."

"No!" Sirius said, while Peter turned pink. "I'm being much more subtle this time."

* * *

"Ugh," James said, looking at his watch. "It should be a crime to give detentions out on a day like this."

"You should go," Lily said. "You don't want to get in more trouble."

"You're right."

"What did you even do?"

"I don't even keep track anymore. It's all just a blur of colors and shapes and smells of awesomeness." James sighed again and took another look across the lake before standing up. "I'll be back right after they let me out," he assured her.

"I'll be waiting," Lily said, smiling up at him and as he turned and walked back to the school. When he was out of sight, she pushed her hair behind her ears and took out a roll of parchment and a quill and one of her textbooks. In the middle of opening the book, though, she paused, listening intently to something. Then she slowly, quietly pulled out her wand, tapped the bark of the tree she was leaning against, and said "Quasse." The branches of the tree began to shake and sway for several seconds, raining down acorns, leaves, a bird's nest, and a boy.

"Oy!" Sirius said, scrambling to his feet and brushing the twigs from his hair as the tree stopped shaking. "That hurt!" he said, staring accusingly at Lily.

"Oh, and I suppose whatever it was you had planned was going to be so much more pleasant for me," Lily said. "Aren't you a little old to be climbing trees and spying on girls?"

"One is never too old to spy on girls," Sirius said with a crooked smile. Lily rolled her eyes. "And whatever I had planned – which I'm not going to say what it was – you certainly would have deserved it."

Lily put her things away, stood up, and looked around. "So where are the others? They're never far behind…" Remus came out from behind the tree trunk, followed by Peter, who looked somewhat sheepish. "Ah, there you are. Okay, you three. I know exactly what you've been up to. I'm not blind. I've had friends too who left me as soon as they got a boyfriend."

Remus suddenly blushed, and Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, but neither of them spoke.

Lily continued. "So I don't hold it against you. But let me say just one thing: you know it's not me you're really mad at."

"Wha…?" Sirius stared at her.

"No. You're mad at James. He's the one who's abandoned you. He's the one who won't give you the time of day anymore. None of you ever cared about me one way or another, did you? But you don't want to admit you're mad at your best mate, so you want to take it out on me instead."

The three of them exchanged looks, but they had to admit Lily was right. How come girls always know so much? Sirius thought. "So what do you want us to do?" he said. "Sign a mutual non-aggression pact?"

"I would never expect you to adhere to that. The only promise I'd expect you to keep is that you're up to no good." Lily crossed her arms and looked at Sirius, her head tilted slightly, thinking. "There is something I can help you with, though," she said.

The three of them looked at her, puzzled. "What are you getting at?" Remus said.

"Well, I can help you get back at James for ignoring you. He won't catch on that I'm involved, and if it'll make you feel better to get some of your frustration out, maybe I can actually get some peace for once."

Sirius laughed, shaking his head, but Remus stopped him with a glance. "What's your idea?" he asked.

Lily grinned slightly wickedly, and beckoned the three of them to lean in closer and listen. "Here's what you have to do..." she began, but Sirius interrupted.

"Wait, wait," he said, holding up his hands, "since when do you get to tell me what to do?"

"Since you need information that only I can give you in order to pull this off," Lily said, hands on her hips.

Sirius scratched his head nervously, but then shrugged. "Okay, I'll hear you out, but if I don't like it, count me out."

"Suit yourself. So, here's my plan. What you're going to do is wait for James in our favorite meeting place and surprise him there. Nobody knows about it but us."

"Where is it?"

"The second-floor girls' bathroom."

"Nope!" Sirius said, while Peter blanched and Remus looked suspicious. "No way am I going there. In case you hadn't noticed, we're not girls."

"But you just admitted you like spying on them," Lily said, an eyebrow raised.

"Not in the bathroom. That's just..." Sirius stopped, and huffed. "Indecent," he finished.

"That's a laugh," Lily said disdainfully. "You, talking about decency. In any case you don't have to worry. Nobody ever goes to this bathroom but me and James. We like the privacy."

"Why doesn't anyone go there?" Remus asked.

"It's a girl thing," Lily said. "You wouldn't understand."

"So what are we going to do in this... bathroom?"

Lily shrugged. "Whatever you want. We should be meeting up there after dinner tomorrow. Maybe you could do something to keep him there, and then make sure everyone finds out he's been in a girls' bathroom?" Lily picked up her bag and swung it across her shoulder. "Just make sure you get there a few minutes before dinner ends, so you get there before he does. Hide in one of the cubicles - the one at the end is probably best. It's big enough to fit three people." She turned and started walking toward the castle. "Your choice what to do with this information," she said, looking over her shoulder.

* * *

"Okay. I'm the first brother who got the wand. Remus, you're the third who got the cloak, and Peter, you're the second brother who got the stone."

"What are you on about this time?" Remus asked. They were walking down the empty second-floor corridor.

"The Three Brothers," Sirius said. "Don't tell me you don't know the Three Brothers."

"But that leaves out James," Peter said.

"So? We don't like him right now, remember?" Sirius said.

"James should be the brother with the cloak. He does have one of his own," Peter said.

"It's really all of ours, innit?" Sirius said. "Without it we all can't get out to the shack."

"Without it you can't get out to the shack," Remus pointed out. "I'm the only one who's supposed to be out there."

"We should be quiet," Peter said.

"Right," Sirius whispered, halting them as they approached the girls' bathroom. "Wormtail, won't you go check if the coast is clear?"

Peter nodded, then shrank down to the size and shape of a rat and scurried into the bathroom, keeping close to the wall. A few seconds later, he returned and changed back. "All clear. Nobody in there," he whispered.

"Good," Sirius said.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Remus asked. "Not even an hour ago you wouldn't have trusted anything Lily said, and now you're sneaking into the girls' bathroom on her say-so?"

"It is so a good idea," Sirius said crossly. "We catch him going in there, trap him in a cubicle or something, then run and get everyone coming out of the Great Hall and tell them there's something to see. He'll come out and everyone will witness his shame."

"Something just smells fishy."

"Well a dog's nose is just as good as a wolf's, and I don't smell a thing," Sirius said. "Now are you two coming or not?"

Remus shook his head, but followed Sirius and Peter into the bathroom, glancing up and down the hall to make sure nobody would see them go in.

They weren't sure what they were expecting, but it wasn't much different from a boys' bathroom. "Okay," Sirius said, "now we hide. Get into the last cubicle - she's right it is pretty big."

"What if he sees our feet?" Remus asked, resigned to follow this thing to its conclusion, though he was sure it wouldn't end well.

"Don't worry about it. James never looks down. He's a terminal optimist. He never sees anything coming; that's why this is going to..."

A sound behind them made all three of them spin around. They were too late: there, standing in the door with an incredulous look on his face, was James. In unison, he and Sirius raised their arms, pointed at each other, and both shouted "Aha! Caught you!" Then, "Wait, I caught you!" Then, "Just whose idea was this?" Then, "But Lily said..."

Remus couldn't help himself; he burst out laughing, and the other three boys looked at him curiously. "She got all of us!" he said. They looked at him puzzledly for just a moment before they all heard a soft click, and turned to look at the door. It had closed behind James, and then they heard the distinctive sound of it locking, and a muffled, playful laugh on the other side.

"Holy... she did get all of us!" James said, his eyes wide. He turned the knob and shoved the door fruitlessly, then took out his wand, but his unlocking charm didn't work. Then he turned angrily toward Sirius, Remus, and Peter. "This is your fault!" he said.

"Our fault?" Sirius said. "What kind of logic is that?"

"If you hadn't been so mean about Lily..."

"Oh, of course, take her side," Sirius said, throwing up his arms. "Not like we've been your best mates since year one, but that's worth nothing if you're getting..."

"Um..." Peter was saying.

"Are you seriously jealous?" James said, laughing. "You sound like an old wife who's being cheated on."

"Um, guys?" Peter said.

"What is it?" Remus said.

"Something's in that toilet," Peter said, pointing.

Sure enough, there was an eerie gurgling, and then a sound like a distant wailing, coming from the toilet in the last cubicle. "Oh sure, never mind privacy anymore. Come to make fun of me some more?" said a high-pitched, sobbing voice from below.

"Did Lily mention anything about this being a haunted bathroom?" James asked Sirius, who was staring panicked at the toilet, which started bubbling and overflowing. He groped blindly at the doorknob behind his back, but it was too late - the pale, transparent form of a girl burst out of the toilet, wailing as if the three intruders were stepping on her very heart. The four boys wailed along with her, in their case with sheer terror.

"Open the door! Open the door!" Sirius yelled as all four of them threw their collective weight against the door.

Lily's voice came from the other side, saying "Have you made up then? Are you all friends again?"

"Sure! Whatever you say!" James said.

"Say you're best mates forever," Lily said calmly.

"I'll bloody kiss him if that's what you want!" exclaimed Sirius, and James shot him a worried look. "You know I would, mate," Sirius said in response.

They could hear Lily laughing again. "Okay, I think that's close enough. You can come out now." And before they could step away the door fell open, spilling them out into the hallway.

A sudden, mighty roar of voices met their ears as they stumbled into the hallway, and they turned to see what seemed like the entire house of Gryffindor, and half each of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, gathered in the hallway waiting for them. At the front of the crowd was Lily, who clutched her sides while gasping out "You actually believed! You actually fell for it! I can't believe it!" between uncontrolled screams of laughter.

Peter let out a high-pitched "Eep!" before turning and running full tilt in the other direction. Remus seemed unaffected and simply watched James and Sirius, who seemed to be in shock, staring at half the school jeering and pointing and shouting at them. For a brief moment Remus was sure he would see Sirius's face harden, and that it was all over - the end of their little group - but then relief washed over him as instead Sirius's face broke into a smile, and James immediately followed suit.

"You got us!" Sirius said, holding out his arms and nodding to the crowd. "Yes, you got us. Brilliantly played, Evans, brilliant indeed. Can we all have a hand for the girl who orchestrated all this?" He led the crowd in applause as James reached out and pulled Lily forward by the arm.

Convinced that everything was going to be okay, Remus smiled and turned around to go look for Peter.

* * *

The five of them sat in the couches closest the fireplace, talking and laughing over the evening's events.

"I admit, I wasn't sure how it would turn out," Lily said, curled up next to James. "I wasn't sure if you'd bought it. But at very worst, I'd be embarrassed in front of the whole school." She shrugged. "There are worse things that could happen."

"Oh, is that why you so easily subjected the rest of us to it?" James said.

"Sorry if it was too much for you to handle. I figured you'd bounce back... and look, hardly anyone remembers it anymore." She gestured toward the rest of the room, where the students that hadn't gone to bed already were playing games, studying, and otherwise paying them no heed.

"Some people bounce back more easily than others," Remus said. He glanced at Peter, who was hugging his knees and hiding behind a star chart. He had been quiet since coming back to the common room.

Lily looked sheepish. "I'm sure nobody will remember," she said. "And if not, we'll think of something to distract them. Halloween is coming up. Maybe we can do something... fun." She suddenly grinned broadly. "I know where we can get a hold of some Devil's Snare. I bet we can think of a use for that."

Sirius sat up and pointed straight at her. "I like how this woman thinks!" he announced. He dropped his arm and looked at James, and an expression dawned on his face like he'd just remembered something big. "You know what we should do?" he said.

"What?"

"We should tell her!" Sirius said, suddenly lowering his voice to a whisper. Lily frowned, looking confused.

"Tell me what?"

Sirius looked from James to Remus, whose brow was wrinkled in deep thought. After several silent seconds in which his friends looked on anxiously, he nodded. "Okay." Remus looked at Peter, who peeked over his chart and nodded as well. Then they all looked expectantly at James.

James mocked thoughtfulness with his hand to his chin, and a moment later shrugged and said "Sure, why not?" He turned to Lily. "Hon?" he said. "Can you keep, say, twelve or thirteen hundred really, really, really important secrets? On pain of dismemberment and possibly digestion?"

"That depends," Lily said. "Are you going to keep mine when I decide to tell you them?"

James looked surprised. "You have secrets?" he said.

"Well what did you think, I was just a pretty girl who gets good grades? I am so interesting you wouldn't believe."

"So it's settled," Sirius said, rubbing his hands together. "Tonight, Lily becomes an honorary Marauder."

"Do you think we should put her name on the map?" James said.

Remus shook his head, making a frustrated noise. "Do you know how hard it was to design the spells that make the map do that?" he said. "If you want to change it, I'm not helping."

"What map?" Lily said.

"Of course, she needs a nickname," Sirius was saying, drumming his fingers. "Maybe some play on flowers... like Petal or Stem or Pollen..."

"Okay, okay," Lily said, sitting straight up and holding out her hands. "If anyone calls me Pollen, I'm quitting."

"Okay, maybe you don't need a nickname."

"What are you even talking about?" Lily asked. "What are your nicknames?"

Sirius took a deep breath and explained, "You see, I'm George, Peter is Ringo, Remus is..."

"You're not George, I'm George," James interrupted. "And Remus is Paul and Peter is Pestilence..."

"I'm not Pestilence," Peter suddenly said, putting down his chart. "If anything I'm Death."

"They're Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs," Remus said, pointing to each of them as he said their names.

Lily laughed. "How'd you think of those?" she asked.

"We'll have to tell you that tomorrow," James said. "Too many ears here. But I promise we will. Just remember it's very important that you keep it a secret." Lily nodded, and from then on, the notorious band of four included a fifth.


End file.
